


as it gets dark

by deanwinchesterissaved



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Conflicted Pining, F/M, First Kiss, M/M, Pre-Poly, established sara/shane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:34:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23356270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deanwinchesterissaved/pseuds/deanwinchesterissaved
Summary: He keeps his eyes on the road, it's just the song, he tells himself.'I don't want to, but I love you'Ryan's fingers tremble against the wheel, and he grips it tight.
Relationships: Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej, Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej/Sara Rubin
Comments: 14
Kudos: 120
Collections: Shyan Week 2020





	as it gets dark

**Author's Note:**

> Shyan week day 3: Togetherness  
> Title and lyrics from: 'I love you' by Billie Eilish

The road stretches before him and Ryan's hands tighten on the steering wheel, blinking his eyes hard in a vain attempt to stop the aching there. The tires hit a bump and the half-empty cup of coffee in the console sloshes. 

He spares a glance at it, weighing warmth against some more extended consciousness. 

Shane makes a soft noise in his sleep, and Ryan looks up at where the other man had curled up in the passenger seat, a fleece blanket thrown over his lap, his head tucked into the nook between the seat and the window. 

Shane looks young like this, the shadows under his eyes smoothed over in the semi-dark. A smile tugs at Ryan’s mouth, and then he's swallowing down the cold liquid left in the styrofoam cup. The bitter taste lingers even with the milk he had dumped in, and he almost wishes it was something stronger, something that would dull the ache in his chest. 

It's not like you can just tell your best friend you love him. 

Especially when that best friend's already taken. 

_ 'It's not true, tell me I've been lied to' _

Ryan fastens his eyes back on the empty road, they shouldn't be far now. There's a low silky song playing on the radio, fingers that had given up guitar years ago forming patterns against the wheel as if he could pluck he melancholy cords out of the car. 

The rental does that well enough on its own. 

There's really no use thinking about it. He's seen how Shane looks at Sara. He knows she’s the one for Shane, he can see it in the way they are around each other, the comfortable silence and shared glances, the twinning expressions of adoration when they pet their demon of a cat. He has no right going in any direction that is even  _ vaguely _ between them, he’d never do that to the two people who had only ever been there for him when he needed it. 

It was the two of them that took him in after the breakup, letting him tag along on their outings and half-dates just so he could get out of his apartment and breathe easy, so he could see their merriment and remember what it is to be happy again. 

Sometimes he permits himself to look, when he's sure no one would see. And each time what he sees makes him ache more, knowing that she offers Shane the sanctuary and comfort in ways that Ryan never could, not while he could live with himself. 

_ He looks at you like that too _ , he hears, and it may as well be the devil and his conscience combined. 

Would it be better if he hadn’t ever met Shane, he wonders. If he had never gotten to know and bond with the kind funny man that always takes the care to make the people around him comfortable. The man who indulges him and his supernatural beliefs and follows his lead until Ryan drives himself to the edge of overexposure, who would then become the support Ryan needs. If he had never gotten himself into this complicated tangle of emotions, had fallen so completely.

No. 

Ryan wouldn’t give those years up, he’ll take the pain, damn it. 

He shouldn't mess with what they all have, he doesn't have the right to. He could more than live with the strangely spectacular friendship that’s already in place. Why tamper with perfection, right?

_ 'Up all night on another red eye, I wish we never learned to fly.' _

The first splatter of rain against the windshield startles Ryan, and because not everywhere can be nice like California, it's pouring within minutes. The running water filters the road markings back at him in their distorted yellow glow under the headlights. His view of the outside world blurs.

And so does everything in the car. 

_ 'Maybe we should just try, to tell ourselves a good lie' _

It's the song, Ryan thinks, wiping at his face furiously. He's always been an emotional son of a bitch, and this one is stupidly on the nose. 

Shane's face scrunches up in his sleep, the blanket coming a little short in covering his lanky limbs. For all that Ryan startles easily, the big guy's actually the lighter sleeper of the two, but when eyes open before they should, Shane can always find his way back to comfort in the darkness. And Ryan, well. 

They're driving through the last stretch of country before reaching the town, and it's all open fields on either side of the road with no sign of humanity. Ryan knows the crew isn't far behind them, can see their headlights around corners and turns, but it feels like its just the two of them passing through the darkness. 

It takes him a few careful seconds of maneuvering, but he manages to shrug off his hoodie, reaching over to drape it over Shane. Warmth curls in his chest when the other man's face relaxes, even when the chill air rushes to meet all his newly exposed skin. 

He keeps his eyes on the road, it's just the song, he tells himself. 

_ 'I don't want to, but I love you'  _

Ryan's fingers tremble against the wheel, and he grips it tight. 

  
  


Ryan watches Shane sleep, he almost always does in these haunted places. The sight soothes him, knowing that he’s not alone here, though it’s not like Shane would be much help if a ghost tried to murder them. 

A few pencils lie on the floor next to them, tools of a bygone age that they had tried to use in a knock off seance hours before. Ryan creeps an arm out from the warmth of his sleeping bag and picks one up, twirling it in his fingers. If he moves it just right, it spans the height of Shane’s head perfectly. An idea pops up in his overactive brain. 

He's not sure what insane surge of energy prompts him to do it, but he finds himself tracing Shane's face, the eraser of the pencil ghosting over the other man's skin in a barely-there touch. It’s almost like asmr, and Ryan feels his heartbeat in his fingers, steadying for what feels like the first time tonight. 

_ 'There's nothing you could do or say, I can't escape the way, I love you'  _

The fucking song's stuck in his head now, the low woeful tune playing in a loop in his head, every word stabbing at his mind. He turns his mental back on it, blocks it out with the care he takes to trace the pencil, again and again. 

A largish hand comes out of nowhere to clasp his, and Ryan lets out a yelp. Then Shane’s looking at him through bleary eyes. 

“Jesus man.” Ryan says. Shane lets go of his hand after a second, and Ryan shuffles it back against his chest. The unexpected contact burning into his skin. “A little warning next time?”

“Mmm, I thought you were a spider,”

“And your first instinct is to grab it?” Ryan asks, incredulous. 

“Well, yeah.” He can hear the smile in Shane’s voice, see the flash of teeth from his sleepy grin. “Can’t sleep?”

“Yeah.” Ryan admits. It’s far from the first time this has happened, why the fuck is he still embarrassed?

_ Because it’s Shane _ , his mind supplies. 

Shut  _ up _ , Ryan thinks. 

“C’mere.” Shane murmurs, disentangling an arm from his sleeping bag so Ryan can tuck himself close. They’re plenty experienced at keeping themselves comfortable in these places and Ryan’s not cold, but the solid warmth of Shane at his side is something to hold onto in the dark. 

“It’s okay Ry, I’ll protect you from the demons.” 

Shane settles again, soft steady puffs of air glance across Ryan’s face. They’re a bit close, maybe too close while both of them are on their backs, anyway. Ryan’s body is stiff where it presses against Shane through two layers of sleeping bags, and he doesn’t dare move. He matches his breaths to Shane’s. 

“That’s it, I’m right here.” Shane’s hand rubs small circles into Ryan’s shoulder, and his face is so close. 

That’s the moment Ryan chooses.

He chooses and it’s dangerous and entirely unreasonable, but he’s got just enough fear and sleep deprivation and an ever-looming sense that the world might just lose it very, very soon that he doesn’t care for a split second. 

Shane’s lips are soft against his own. 

Too bad reality’s a real bitch sometimes, by the time he regains his brain, it’s already done. Ryan jerks back. 

_ 'I don't want to, but I love you.' _

"I'm so sorry." He whispers, eyes stinging. He should be watching Shane’s face, he’d always been bad at reading the big guy but at least it could have helped. But the shadows swallow them whole in this room and Ryan’s not brave enough to make out Shane’s expression through it all. 

His breaths are coming fast again, there’s going to be a hitch in his voice soon, “I’m sorry, Shane. I didn’t mean to, fuck what is  _ wrong  _ with me--”

“Ryan, Ry stop.” 

Shane’s hands grip his shoulders and Ryan shudders out a breath, “I’m sorry.” he repeats. 

“Don’t be.” Shane’s voice is rough, like he’s having trouble breathing too. He brings a hand down to tilt Ryan’s head towards him, “I’m not sorry.” He enunciates, eyes searching. 

“But Sara--”

“Sara knows.” Shane swallows and he almost looks shy, “She’s, uh, rooting for us, actually.”

“She is?” Ryan chokes out.

“We care about you, Ry, both of us.” Shane pauses, and Ryan feels their eyes meet in the dark. “We’d like to be more, if you’ll have us.”

The air is stuck in Ryan’s throat, it seems too good to be true. He manages a jerky nod, a tear slipping down his face. 

Slowly, Shane reaches out and wipes it away. 

“We can talk more about this when we get back, just, sleep now. I’ve got you.” Shane settles his chin on the crown of Ryan’s head, and Ryan can feel the vibrations of his voice. He makes an effort to count his breaths, slowing them down. 

_ One, two, three-- _

A _ ting  _ sounds from the corner of the room, and Ryan jolts. 

“It’s just the radiator, shh.” 

_ Four, five, six, seven, eight-- _

I love you.

**Author's Note:**

> Come chat and poke around my [ Tumblr ](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/deathfrisbeeinthetardis) if you like :D


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